What Can Polyamory Teach Us About Attachment Styles?

May 23, 7:23 PM | By Chris

What does polyamory have to do with attachment theory? This theory describes four types of attachment: secure, dismissive, preoccupied, and fearful. While monogamous relationships try to recreate the secure attachment, poly relationships don’t… and it’s not a bad thing since you don’t need the same level of attachment with all your partners. Do you want to find out more? Then keep reading!

Attachment Theory – What Is It and Does It Matter with Polyamory?

Let’s start by explaining the attachment theory in a nutshell. According to it, our childhood experiences predetermine the way in which we form attachments as adults. Naturally, this can be altered throughout our lives, yet it requires conscious effort.

As a part of the attachment theory, there are four basic types of attachment:

• secure attachment,

• dismissive attachment,

• preoccupied attachment,

• fearful attachment.

A traditional, monogamous relationship attempts to recreate secure attachment by means of marriage or sexual exclusivity. This is because this type of attachment is desired in monogamy. But what about polyamory?

Here, the situation is a bit different. Each person sees love in a different way. Hence, different signs of attachment matter to them. This is why, in monogamous relationships, you need to find the perfect partner – a soulmate who has it all. In polyamorous relationships, you have several options, meaning that not every partner has to be perfect – you can meet your emotional needs in polyamory with various partners!

Polyamory and Attachment Styles in Practice

Enough of the theory – what does it all mean in practice? How do the attachment styles become insignificant in polyamory?

Firstly, you need to gather strength from within yourself – it’s often impossible to be similarly attached to different people, and even if you manage it, the situation is always a bit unique with your partners. Thus, to embrace the poly lifestyle, you will sooner or later forget about valuating your relationships through signs from your partners – you’ll find inner self-confidence.

Secondly, you don’t have to be as picky as in a monogamous relationship. Imagine your partner displays signs of anxious attachment, and they also embraces polyamory. Is it a problem? Not really – you can remain what monogamous people would call “friends with benefits” and still maintain a healthy relationship without forming a strong attachment – your emotional needs will be met by other partners.

The same goes for secure, avoidant, or preoccupied attachment in polyamory – it no longer matters since you might not need to (or want to) get on the same level of attachment with all the partners. One partner might not be compatible with you regarding attachment and emotional sphere but have great chemistry with you, making them a perfect lover – and that’s fine; you don’t need an all-in-one. That’s why the theory and the goal of finding a partner with whom you can build a secure attachment isn’t fully relevant in polyamory.

The Takeaway

The attachment theory, while proven scientifically, does not look from the polyamorous point of view. It is quite true for monogamous couples, yet in terms of polygamy, attachment does not matter that much – it’s the confidence and belief inside you that truly matters.