When is it Time to Make a Move for Poly Love?

May 16 '2020, 3:22 PM | By Chris

Timing can make or break many things, including relationships. Moving too fast, too slow, or not at all can send mixed signals or add too much strain on a relationship. It’s nice to believe that when people love each other they can trust their mutual affection to compensate for poor planning, but it won’t for long. There are no rules to follow that will guarantee success, but there are general concepts to embrace that will encourage healthier choices and behaviors. Never be ashamed of falling too hard for love. Instead, harness the power of love and use it as motivation to improve in all aspects of life. Once you build better decision making habits you’ll find yourself becoming an expert at timing, patience, and knowing when to take a leap of faith.

A concept everyone needs to understand is known as ‘New Relationship Energy,’ or NRE. It occurs when you meet someone you’re really into and they are also really into you. It’s exciting! Your hormones go crazy, serotonin spikes come every time you see each other, and you literally are building an addiction to each other. The sudden validation and acceptance compensates for years of yearning or loneliness and you can’t imagine not having this person in your life. Understanding NRE doesn’t mean you need to avoid it or fight it. It simply gives you the tools to approach new relationships with some level headed perspective. Everyone is on their best behavior with someone new, including yourself. You’re presenting the best possible version of yourself in order to win your new love completely over, and so are they. With a little care, new relationships can completely immerse themselves in the beautiful NRE without making life changing decisions before they really know each other. Far too many people blindly follow their revved up emotions and end up in painful situations that could strip away every ounce of love you had for a person. Use your head to tame your heart!

NRE is not unique to heterosexual monogamous situations. If you’ve been looking for a sister wife or trying to become a sister wife for years you’ll be in for a rush of intense passion when you’ve discovered a woman or family that would work for you. In fact, polyamorous people are fortunate to be able to expeience the energy of new relationships multiple times in life. Polygamous families and poly groups are priviledged to grow their loving family as expansive as they’d like.

Even so, it’s equally important for everyone to take it easy and get the timing right. Remember the old phrase about one bad apple? Keep that in mind.

Pay close attention to life situations and motivations. An extreme example of a terrible situation that would only work so well in a movie is the story in ‘Pretty Woman.’ It’s perfectly acceptable to love the movie and embrace the value of accepting all people as they are, but one shouldn’t be fooled into looking to hookers as viable options for a relationship. Could it happen? Sure. Will it? Almost always a big NO.

Assuming you aren’t dating a hooker, there are other life circumstances and motivating factors that should raise red flags. It’s not reasonable to expect everyone to have their life completely together, but a person that is a complete wreck is likely to take advantage of your stability.

They might not even intend to. They may have the best of intentions. The fact is, people that aren’t somewhere near the same level of a playing field will drag someone down far more than the other can drag them up.

Maybe you’re okay with that? Do what you want, but do it with full knowledge of what you’re getting into.

Don’t shy away from background checks. A checkered past shouldn’t necessarily disqualify a person from joining a polygamous family or polyamorous group, but it should certainly influence the decision for everyone involved. If you meet someone claiming they’ve never been married and are thrilled to finally become a sister wife then find they’ve already had three failed marriages, well, something isn’t right.

Someone with a drug problem might sincerely fall in love with you and your current partners, but you can almost guarantee they can easily fall in love with their drug of choice again any time. It’s a thing that will need to be addressed and monitored before all of your jewelry or expensive electronics suddenly disappear. It’s not about refusing to forgive people. It’s about managing risk and assessing whether or not the possible negative outcomes are worth it.

Spending ample time with friends outside of your intimate relationships or marriage is vital to maintaining perspective and avoiding foolish choices. Friends with no personal interest in your affairs can tell you what your relationships look like from the outside. Good friends won’t disparage you for falling in love, but they will pull you down to earth if they notice red flags you seem to be missing. You need friends that are not involved intimately (beyond friendship) with your polygamous family or polyamorous group. Poly and Polygamy dating, or expanding any polyamorous group, is complicated and it’s far too easy to be blinded by NRE. In fact, if all of your current partners are blind to red flags because you’re all drunk on love you could reinforce each other's urges to make poor choices. Established relationships deserve extreme care to prevent damage. A new lover needs to be vetted and tested by a little time before making moves or commitments.

Love is supposed to be fun. It’s exciting! Running around like teenagers with a new love is natural and healthy. It would be nice if we never had to grow up and pain never affected us so deeply, but we’ve all been hurt and know that’s just not the way it is. We have to protect our hearts and our lives while leaving ourselves open to new love and change as poly minded people. Greatness, like polyamorous relationships, comes with challenges. Part of our openness needs to include acceptance of criticism and ears willing to listen to advice from people that care about you. Do your homework, don’t neglect your existing life or friends, and use New Relationship Energy to accomplish big things for yourself and your loved ones. When these things become a part of your routine you’ll always know when it’s time to make all the right moves in life and love.