Breaking the Poly Sex Stigma

Aug 4 '2020, 3:09 PM | By Chris

If there is anything some people like more than getting into your business, it’s nosing around in your sex life. These people typically don’t have much of a sex life of their own, so they get their kicks by blowing yours up. They might even like you, and be a ‘friend,’ but cannot help themselves when it comes to juicy gossip. Being sexually exposed can be traumatic and can cause a lot of damage. Any invasion of privacy is going to harm your trust in people and possibly damage your reputation. Polyamorous and polygamous people are especially vulnerable to harmful attacks lodged by people that are either jealous of you, or hold negative views of your personal life choices. It’s easy to say people should just be confident in their sexuality and not worry about what people might say or think, but the reality is the stress of keeping your privacy private can be overwhelming. Here are some ideas about refusing to be shamed, fully embracing your sex life, and handling meddlers that have set out to hurt you.

First off, even if you’re a ten out of ten on the kink scale, you deserve sexual autonomy and privacy. If your behaviors are responsible and sexual desires carried out in healthy ways there is nothing you need to work on except for new ways to explore. Most people are probably not even very kinky, or maybe have tried a few things once or twice they’d rather keep private. Anyone that nefariously reveals your private sex life is 100 percent in the wrong. Sometimes you can approach especially egregious oustings legally. Don’t for one second believe you’ve done anything wrong. If someone’s goal is to shame you, you have to reject any feeling of shame and handle the situation appropriately. Avoid revenge, but don’t sit quietly and allow people to beat you down emotionally.

When a woman wants to become a sister wife she can face extremely judgmental attitudes. Some people will say that any man that is looking for a sister wife is a sexual predator. We all know this is not true.

Even the people making these claims know deep down they’ve considered some version of a poly lifestyle at some point in their life. It’s natural. If they never thought about it, it wouldn’t be on their radar to consider harassing people that are polyamorous in any way. Jealousy pushes people into terrible, and sometimes dangerous, mental spaces.

Your polygamy dating life and your polygamous family are your business, and your business alone. You are not required to share one damn thing about how your sex life works. If you do share in an effort to help someone build an understanding and they turn up their nose, simply walk away. They don’t deserve your time or energy. You have to be a little tough when you choose your own path in life. Following pre-set formulas for love and life is for weaker people.

Taking polygamy a step further, even among the whole poly community some have a tendency to define whatever polyamorous lifestyle they have chosen for themselves and hold others to their personal standards. This is as bad as rejecting polyamory or polygamy in general. A polygamous family can include as many of either gender and/or sexual persuasions as will work for their individual family. There is absolutely no rule about what your poly or polygamous family needs to look like. Without refusing to support more ‘traditional’ polygamous families, you can make it clear their judgments about your unique family are not welcome. If you have a couple sister wives that enjoy sexual intimacy together, or two men in the family that enjoy each other sexually, you are absolutely still a polygamous family and can reject any opposition to this fact. Some extremely traditional polygamists only allow the one husband to sleep with one wife at a time. If that is your thing, go for it, but don’t look down on polygamists that enjoy all of their partners sexually at the same time. Don’t judge fellow polyamorous people any more than you want your family or lovers to be judged.

Moving on from polygamy and more into general polyamory, one has to remember the need to be open to each individuals interpretation of what love and sexuality mean to them. There is a difference between disagreeing and being judgmental. Many polyamorous people think that fully ‘open’ relationships don’t meet the criteria of being polyamorous.

‘It’s just sleeping around.’ However, it’s entirely possible for two people to love each other just the same as a sexually committed pair and allow for free sexual exploration. Your discomfort with the idea doesn’t disqualify its validity. Many gay people find hetero sex uncomfortable to think about, and vice versa. It doesn’t mean that hetero or homo sex are either gross or invalid forms of emotional connection. Being an adult is knowing when you need to keep something to yourself, because expressing it will only cause harm, even if that’s not what you intend.

The same can be said for answering sexual inquiries. Know your audience, know their opinions change nothing about you, and know how to reject antagonism. We’re all adults in these conversations and the power to put a hateful person in their place is always encouraged when needed.

We’ll never know why some people just have to harass others, or why this behavior never seems to go away. There is no shame in cutting people out of your life if they are hindering your progress or desires. If you know being a sister wife is right for you, don’t keep people around that will make you feel uncertain about the life you want. If you love two or more people emotionally and sexually, don’t let anyone encourage you to think your yearnings are somehow immoral. Morality is in your hands. Morality is living and loving honestly, and not harming others for living and loving honestly. Sex can be as public or private as you choose to make it. Your sexuality belongs to you and the people you choose to share it with. Handle attempts of shaming as no different than a young kid acting out for attention. Ultimately, anyone trying to steal your joy is lacking their own, and you don’t owe them anything.