3 Poly Mistakes to Avoid

Oct 17 '2020, 12:23 AM | By Chris

Dating and relationships are full of possible errors in judgment or misconceptions. It’s human nature to want something so much you ignore warning signals, or maybe don’t realize the warning signals you’re sending out yourself. Being on the same page and merging your life with one or more people takes work and focus. It’s easy to get too comfortable, or into a routine so heavily that you lose sight of some of the most important aspects of sharing your life successfully. Here are three mistakes to watch for in order to ensure you, and your partners, are truly happy and enjoying life together.

First is not finding the right amount of focus, and in the right areas.

We can become so focused on the wrong things at the wrong time that other important matters are left neglected. Say a polygamous family has decided it’s time to find a new sister wife to join them, and they’re all excited about the prospect, but they become so centered around the idea they begin to neglect an existing sister wife experiencing a bout with depression. Polygamy dating can require a lot of time and attention, but it becomes a problem instead of something positive when it becomes the center of life instead of the health of your existing polygamous family. Polyamory generally means the idea of dating can be a constant factor in your life, but ignoring the time and effort to maintain existing relationships is not only hurtful, it can ruin everything you’ve already built. Seeking sister wives and growing your polygamous family should be a joyful process for everyone involved. Keep it that way by constantly balancing the needs of your family with the desire to see it grow. This applies to any polyamorous group as well.

Sort out your standards and structure for the relationship and work together to grow in healthy, constructive, ways.

Second, not revisiting the standards and structure of your poly relationship regularly. People change over time. Staying on the same page in your relationships is vital to ensuring none of your partners or sister wives are simply going along with behaviors that are bothering them so they don’t rock the boat. Nobody wants to become a sister wife to lose all say in the direction of their marriage. Same for anyone in a polyamorous situation. If there are any problems at home, it’s better to respect your partner’s need to feel important than to continue the pursuit for new people to join your group or family. If you feel the need to continue poly or polygamy dating despite any partners emotional difficulties, it’s time to investigate why you’re with this person and how you are likely contributing to their struggle. If things are simply out of step it’s time to renegotiate the structure of your life together. Never be upset if a partner is questioning polyamory or polygamy for themselves. It’s more important to allow them to grow, even if it means they grow away from your life together. Anger is never the answer. Control over another person is never a healthy option. Keeping communication open and mutual respect paramount will foster a thriving life with your poly partners.

Third, avoid stubborn or double standards. It is far too easy to believe so firmly that we are correct about something that we become more obsessed with being right than being happy. I hear it all the time. Many in the diverse world of polyamory and polygamy are convinced they know the formula for an appropriate poly relationship at the expense of everyone that has different ideas. Not only can this attitude cut too many opportunities out of life, it can ostracize a sister wife or lover in your poly group or family that has developed different feelings.

Being so attached to what you perceive as ‘right’ often results in behavior that is simply wrong. This is not to suggest having standards is not okay, rather to point out that a closed mind typically leads to a closed heart. It’s very possible that you and your poly partners won’t have such a split in opinion eventually, but important that this occurs naturally rather than through any sense of force. This concept can be more difficult for polygamous families with a strong religious base.

There are standards set forth in religious texts that require families to maintain certain structures and standards. This can still be accomplished with open minds and hearts. Make sure everyone is allowing free conversation without fear of judgment. Finding ways to explore ideas and feelings while following your religious convictions is a journey you can enjoy together.

Double standards are similar in effect. Adopting standards for yourself that don’t match what’s expected of your lovers is abusive behavior.

This is what leads to cheating and broken hearts. Having conversations to decide how your polyamorous group or family should function should never be done in ways that are sly or dishonest. If you want certain freedoms, you have to give them as well. If you want certain limits, your partners need to offer matching standards. Even if you decide to offer a partner leniency for certain behaviors you don’t want to engage in, it needs to result from an honest conversation, not from deceit.

Love requires clarity and respect.

Polyamory and polygamy offer a wide array of unique and exciting relationships, but, they also present opportunities to get hurt in unique ways. With great things come great responsibilities. Taking the time to hammer out the details of expectations will prevent too many surprises along the way. Monogamous people have expectations that are already laid out quite clearly. Polyamorous people have to discuss them.

By determining the way you want your relationships to function, and avoiding the errors listed above, you’ll find your poly relationships are appropriate for you, and they are enhancing your life. It’s exciting to find someone new. Make the excitement last by committing to the behaviors needed to make everyone involved fulfilled and happy on a long term basis.