What is a Primary Partner in Polyamory?

Sep 18, 4:34 PM | By Chris

What is a primary partner in polyamory? This is the partner with whom you share significant life commitments in a polyamorous relationship. What’s important is that you have a primary partner only in hierarchy polyamory—you could be in a multiple-person relationship without distinguishing between primary, secondary and tertiary partners. In this article, we will look at this in more detail. We invite you to read on.

What Is a Primary Partner in Polyamory?

The term primary partner is used in hierarchical types of polyamorous relationships - those that include an established structure of relationships between partners depending on how strong their bond is. The primary partner is the most important partner, one with the strongest bond and commitment.

What is important is that there might be different types of commitments between primary partners, and there are no established rules regarding what the relationship between them should look like. Below, you’ll find a list of potential commitments, though remember that not all of them need to be met, as it depends on the relationship dynamics.

• Living together (although you can live with a nesting partner without them being your primary!).

• Sharing finances.

• Spending most time together.

• Prioritizing this partner over the others.

• Having kids together.

• Being married.

Does Every Polyamorous Relationship Involve Primary Partners?

Technically, primary partners are reserved for hierarchical poly relationships, ones where there is a clear line drawn between the importance of each partner. However, it’s possible to have a primary partner even in non-hierarchical relationships, though many people are often unaware of having one.

If you prioritize one of your partners in your network, they are likely to be your primary - even if you do this subconsciously. Therefore, although the term is reserved for hierarchical relationships, it can go beyond them.

Primary Partner in Polyamory = Stronger Bond and Relationship

You need to remember that a primary partner in polyamory is someone with whom your bond is stronger than with the others, not someone with whom you share more commitments. Naturally, those commitments mentioned in the first section of this article often match a stronger relationship, but it does not have to be in all cases.

For instance, you can have nesting partners, those with whom you live. They don’t necessarily need to be your primaries, you might live with them out of pure convenience. At the same time, the fact that you have kids with a particular partner does not automatically make them your primary - you can have and raise kids in a polyamorous relationship with multiple partners without growing a stronger bond.

This goes the other way around. You don’t need to live and share finances with your partner for them to be your primary - what matters is your emotional connection. Therefore, while in theory, the concept seems pretty simple, in practice, defining whether a partner in a polyamorous relationship is your primary or not requires a deep insight into yourself, your emotions, and your bond.

The Takeaway

As you can see, the idea of a primary partner is quite complex and often difficult to grasp - unless you live in a clearly defined, hierarchical poly relationship. But, do you even need a primary or secondary partner? It all depends on you - some prefer to have one most important partner, while others might find this concept restricting, so you should choose whatever floats your boat!

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