Polyamory - How Much is Too Much

Oct 22 '2019, 2:02 PM | By Chris

With all the the fun and excitement the polyamorous life offers, it’s easy to get a little too wrapped up in it. The benefits of poly love can quickly decline into a world of hurt for yourself and the people you care about. Every relationship is different and limitations must be catered to each person involved in a plural marriage or relationship. Even if you’ve set little to no boundaries on the relationship you can still go too far. How do you figure out your personal boundaries and have the courage to express them to your loved ones? How do you pull back and be honest when you’ve slid in the wrong direction?

First of all, you have to find people that are compatible with you from the get-go. As discussed in previous articles, the poly life is not something to dive blindly into. Taking time to search your soul and knowing the relationships that will actually work for you is vital for long term enjoyment in poly dating and relationships. There are differing measures of ‘too much’ for everyone so sharing your thoughts and ideas about boundaries can determine whether or not a medium ground can be found between two people. If that compromise doesn’t really work for you don’t try to force it. You can still be friends, even if it’s only with occasional benefits. As long as any other partners are aware of your situation, you’re golden.

Once you’ve settled on some boundaries and standards with a love interest, don’t be a jerk! It’s one thing to have evolving feelings and desires, it’s another to deceive a lover. Having the courage to be forthcoming about your feelings with your lovers is paramount to maintaining healthy relationships. The very nature of polyamory is to not expect your partner to be exclusively with you, so on the other end of this, also, don’t be a jerk! Don’t draw lines in the sand out of jealousy or fear because there will come a time you’ve met someone of interest and will want your partners to be okay with it. Polyamory is a two way street. To expect all the fun for yourself and none for your lovers is not polyamorous, it’s selfish.

Let’s say you didn’t follow any of this advice and you’ve already been inappropriate with a new interest. If you have a fully open policy it can be okay, but I find most poly people still like to know about these things, even if just for the health safety factor. So, for the sake of this article the situation is that you’ve already taken a new interest too far and your current partners don’t know about it. Sorry to say, you made the mistake so you have to fess up to it. Don’t wait until it’s comfortable for you. Don’t wait until another partner messes up. Don’t dare put it off until you’re breaking up just to hurt your now ex-lover. Be a grown up. If you don’t have the confidence to own up to your relationship mistakes you need to work on yourself before getting involved intimately with others. Depending on your relationships setup, and your partners acceptance, you may even be able to pull in this new person if you have real feelings for them.

That being said, polyamory does not mean a person can run around sleeping with whomever they’d like all the time. That’s not how relationships work. You can sleep with someone you run into once in a while, or when on vacation, or maybe that you’ve met online, occasionally. You can do this if your relationship allows for it, of course. However, you notice the use of the words ‘once in a while’ and ‘occasionally?’ Constantly looking for people to have sex with is not polyamory. If you are always looking for your next sexual encounter instead of enjoying your poly partners it’s actually a sign of a real problem. It could be sex addiction, low self esteem, a sociopathic issue, daddy issues, etc… Seriously though, if you feel a constant need for sex with strangers you should consider seeing a therapist before pursuing a polyamorous relationship. The same goes for people in a poly family or group. A lot of people could get involved, and it depends on what you decide is acceptable, but at some point enough is enough. It can start looking more like you’re running a cult rather than enjoying a family. Be reasonable.

This is where polygamy comes into the picture too. Every family is different, but every family should also be discussing how many sister wives is comfortable for everyone. A man can enjoy looking for sister wives very much, but if he’s making his current sister wives miserable he’s not serving his family properly. Polygamy is not a situation in which a man should be taking advantage of women. It’s a situation where a man is building a family with women while loving and respecting them. Any woman that is considering becoming a sister wife should look for early signs of a man that doesn’t treat women with absolute respect. Polygamy dating should offer a chance for everyone in the family to meet new prospects and allow for the whole family to have input on growing the family.

Every relationship, group, or poly family is going to be unique. Some groups can be happy with very few boundaries, and that’s okay. Most of the time, truthfully, if the situation is too open, someone is getting hurt and just not saying anything. It’s so important to make your relationships something special. Nobody can tell you what to do, but in everything you do, consider the ones you love. Polyamory and polygamy can be rewarding lifestyles, but they can also be very painful if everyone isn’t being honest. Do everything with love and integrity and you’ll at least be on a decent path to a happy poly family.