Polyamory and the Pain of Goodbye

Jan 5 '2020, 11:33 PM | By Chris

Often in life the things we want most turn out to be the hardest to attain. One can suppose this is because the best things in life wouldn’t be so special if they were easy, but that doesn’t help with the waves of frustration everyone will experience at times, even after their greatest efforts. We all come up against moments we feel like giving up. Some say it’s a sign that you’re on the wrong path when things don’t go as hoped, or planned, but nothing is so black and white. When it comes to love the same dilemma applies. Shared disappointment between two lovers is no easier than handling it alone. When polyamorous dreams fall apart, pulling yourself back together can take time, but it can be done, and you can be better because of it.

Taking time to reevaluate is a habit everyone should build into their regular life. Exploring motivations, considering capabilities, and testing desires are ways to lead a fuller and more in depth life based on your ever evolving self. This applies to relationships as well. Polyamorous couples may go through periods of time polyamory won’t work for them just as much as they might go long periods of time without meeting anyone that would fit in their relationship. If you meet someone for the first time in a long time and it doesn’t go well, it’s easy to feel polyamory just isn’t right for you. Maybe it’s not, but be careful not to jump to conclusions because of a few bad experiences. If you’ve had a poly mind set for any considerable time you want to make sure you aren’t removing options that actually help keep your current relationship exciting and thriving. Even if all you ever end up sharing is the ‘thrill of the hunt’, that may be something which ultimately pulls your current relationship closer. This is not to recommend being skeevy or messing with people’s heads, but limiting each other too much due to a couple regretted intruders could cause more strain than it’s worth.

Do not blame yourself! Never blame yourself when a relationship doesn’t work out. The inability for people to remain in each others lives is a natural process. It’s better to learn to spot the signs of incompatibility than to waste energy wondering what you did wrong. When a polygamous man finds a potential sister wife for his family everything may seem perfect in the beginning. Everything may seem perfect months into dating to an untrained eye. Unfortunately, everyone is borderline lying when they meet someone new. Lying may seem too strong of a term but we certainly are presenting the best versions of ourselves in an attempt to ‘sell’ ourselves to this potential new mate. This is normal behavior and we all do it. A polygamous man needs to observe how a possible new sister wife interacts with his entire family. He needs to gauge how well she’ll be able to share a husband with other women. The potential new sister wife also needs to pay attention to how the sister wives treat her and how the husband handles the courtship. She should feel welcome and loved, never like a commodity or burden. The same concept applies to any polyamorous relationship. Think back to how easy your current relationship felt in the beginning. Think about how very much in love you were. If the new prospect is nothing like that for everyone involved it is at least a sign to proceed with caution.

Never stop evolving. Stagnation is one of the toughest places to be in life. It thwarts creativity, energy, and general well-being. If you and your partner have experienced a failed attempt at dating someone new the desire to start nesting with each other and shut out the world will be strong. It’s fine to do that for a little while, but while you’re nursing each others wounds make sure you’re discussing all of your feelings and ideas about your future together. Times like this should bring you closer. It’s easy to throw in the towel on polyamory after a break up. Maybe you’re right, but it’s better to take a little time before making that decision. Fresh heartache can make us feel too hopeless to be making any major decisions about the future. Relish in the fact you still have each other and find your way back to knowing everything will be okay.

Let yourself be annoyed or angry, but don’t let it poison you. Obviously, when someone wastes your time, or breaks your heart, it’s not something that will just roll off your back. Expressing your frustration in responsible ways is far healthier than trying to ignore it or bottle it up inside. At some point you have to let it go because you don’t want it to poison you forever. Hanging on to a bad experience will actually work to create more bad experiences in your life. Search for the important lessons to take away from everything and let all things become part of the past. You can choose to bring all the joy of your past with you to your future, or you can drag all the negative aspects with you. It’s hard enough to hang on to the best things in life, especially if we’re clinging on to the bad.

Relationships are tough no matter what type you’re trying to build. Even basic friendships take work. Nobody is truly a perfect match for anyone because it just doesn’t work that way. Without wanting to sound too cold or formulaic, we have to learn to do a cost-benefit analysis of where we spend the most energy in our lives. This applies to polyamorous and polygamous dating as well. If it is taking more than it’s giving it’s fine to give it a rest. In fact, it’s often when we stop looking too much that the best things in life find their way to us. Keeping an open heart and mind paired with a careful eye for lessons already learned serves us best. Breaking up will never be fun. The feeling of rejection and failure will never be easy to swallow, but it’s not your fault life and relationships are so complex. Embrace the love you already have in your life and never be afraid to pursue your collective dreams.