Happy Polydays!

Jan 7 '2020, 4:14 PM | By Chris

The holiday season is kicking into high gear and all of the anxiety and stress that can come along with it will be no stranger to many. It’s a time you can’t hide from overwhelming obligations and toxic friends and family that will be knocking at your door. Some people give up on the holidays and hunker down to hide from the world, but that’s probably the worst way to avoid the depression loneliness can bring. When you’re a person that doesn’t always follow the ‘rules’, like polyamorous people, options to have a nice holiday can feel painfully limited. Judgmental family or friends can really take the wind out of your sails even when you think you’re prepared for whatever they might throw at you. In order to avoid the desire to hide away you have to create your own traditions with non-toxic friends and family, or really gear up for the assault of negativity. Here are a few things to keep in mind either way.

If you’re already part of a polygamous family or polyamorous group, you’re in luck. As a polygamist family grows with new women wanting to be a sister wives so do your own family holiday traditions. Same idea for a polyamorous group. Maximizing time and festivities with those in your core relationships is your first line of defense against people that are opposed to the life you live. One of your sister wives, or partners, may choose to go ahead and go ‘home’ for the holidays and face a disapproving family, but the love from their real home can carry them safely through it. This time of the year is the most important for us to lift our loved ones up. Facing a parent that treats you like a disappointment is never easy even when their reasoning is completely absurd. Family drama can kill a person’s spirit in ways that can last a lifetime. Make sure you’re helping your loved ones find their happy places and reminding them how amazing they are.

Continuing with the idea of spending time with a disapproving family, it’s important to talk about toxic people. Making choices about your family is incredibly personal. Your choice to continue a relationship with a parent or relative that hurts you emotionally is nobody’s business but your own. It is not, however, off limits for a loved one to tell you they believe one or all of those people are toxic. Sometimes your loved ones notice things you can’t see, or that you refuse to see. If your behavior changes for the worse for days, weeks, or even months after visiting your family it’s important for your loved ones to tell you. Don’t get angry because they care about you. You don’t owe toxic people in your life anything at all, not even your parents if they’re toxic. If people are negatively affecting you it’s important to have a long, hard look at why you keep them in your life. Until you shed any sense of responsibility for the shadow others cast over you, you’ll be stuck in their trap. Don’t ever be guilted into a situation that ultimately harms you.

Now let’s talk about non-toxic people. Far too much time is spent dealing with toxic people when most of our time would be better spent focusing on building relationships with non-toxic people. ‘Relationships’ referring to simply friendships and/or more. These are people that won’t tear you down to build themselves up. They won’t batter you with judgmental garbage that stems from their own lack of joy. A non-toxic person can be having a bad day yet still do nothing to drag you down to their level. In fact, if you have family members like this you should be building holiday traditions with them as a way to save you both from the agony of miserable people you’re related to. A non-toxic relative will welcome your entire polygamous or polyamorous family without judgement. They will put their lack of knowledge aside to love and respect you and the people you love. Just as you should include non-toxic relatives, you should build traditions with non-toxic friends. True family is chosen family.

Nobody chooses the life of polygamy or polyamory because it’s an easy option. They choose it because it’s a more honest approach to relationships. Rejecting the hetero-normative standard of lifelong monogamy leads to deeper and stronger loving relationships. Whether it be jealousy, or fear of the unknown, many hetero-normative people are gatekeepers to what they believe is the only moral way to live. Poly people from all types of poly lifestyles have to work together to create new traditions. We have to step up to defend and support each other. The holiday season is possibly the most important time to make a show of support for each other. Reach out to your poly friends to make sure they have someone to talk to. Host holiday parties for your poly friends and non-toxic friends. Excluding judgmental or negative people is an acceptable protest to their behavior. The depression so many are willing to inflict on others in an effort to defend their limited world view earns them zero respect. It is one thing to choose monogamy because it’s right for you, but another thing entirely to impose your personal choice on others.

Bringing back the joy of the holidays isn’t so difficult when you try. Maybe it’s time to find a polygamous or polyamorous dating service to try and meet a lonely soul you might love. Maybe getting as far as you can from your families with your poly loves is the ticket. The holidays are a time to celebrate and reflect. They give us a little time to just love each other and share our joy. If they aren’t the positive time of year you deserve it’s time to figure out why. We can all help each other find happiness but the first step begins inside you.