Polyamory, Being More Than Friends

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Love exists in many forms and at differing levels on a spectrum. The love a person has for a parent or a child is as strong as the love between intimate partners, but very different in nature. We say the words, ‘I love you’, to friends, family, and lovers. Perhaps the reason some find polyamory hard to justify is an inability to understand how to love more than one person as intimately as a lover. Sex definitely complicates things between two people. How can you justify your attraction to a friend? How do you tell your current lover you’re interested in them and another person? Polyamory is natural for everyone. It’s how you approach your feelings and how honest you are about it to yourself and others that makes all the difference. Cheating is gross and should be avoided at all costs. Loving, or being intimate with, more than one person can be a beautiful thing if the situation is handled like a grown up. 

In fact, it’s often the people that scream the loudest against polyamory that will eventually get caught cheating on their husband or wife. We live in a world that values only what they can see on the surface of everything far too much. If a man finds a woman that is not his wife attractive and would like to be intimate with her, he’s not doing anything wrong. Desire is normal. Where he goes wrong is not sharing this information with his wife then having an affair that betrays their marriage. Telling your wife you find another woman attractive may sound impossible, but when vows are made you have to be willing to be completely honest with each other. If you can’t be honest with each other then what do you really have? Is it a real marriage or just a contract you feel trapped in? Cheating will only make a bad marriage worse. It’s better to take a chance on honesty. You may find that your wife finds the same woman attractive and would like to date her as well. That woman may love the idea of becoming a sister wife and joining your family. Aren’t those possibilities far better than living in lies and secrecy?

Another thing people that love each other need to embrace is that we are always evolving. Two people that love each other very much might find shifting sexuality and attractions, or various causes, lead to sexual dry spells in a marriage or partnership. Too often people assume this is a sign of a problem between lovers when it may only be revealing a need for a little adventure. Despite being creatures of habit, humans have a built in desire to explore. This is where it goes right back to living honestly. While the basis of the song is a bit unfortunate, the ultimate result of Elton John’s Pina Colada song is a discovery that the two lovers were still perfect for each other all along. Rather than sneaking around behind each others backs, though, why not explore dating others together? Ultimately, your spouse or life partner should be your best friend with whom you can explore anything without shame. If that is not the case, it’s time to start making it right. 

As polyamorous people, opportunities for new relationships are always all around you. It’s important to keep an open mind, but be certain to know appropriate boundaries around people that are just friends. It’s not healthy to live every day prowling for dates. Friends you are not involved with intimately should never feel uncomfortable around you or your partners. It’s not only disrespectful to them, it’s disrespectful to your lovers too. Nobody likes a person that is constantly hitting on people. That being said, it’s very possible for a friendship to evolve into something more. It can be tough tip-toeing around shifting boundaries. Something that feels natural to you might come across as predatory to someone else. If you are the polyamorous person already you have to be the adult in the situation. Talk to your current partners about developments, make sure everyone is on board, and let the interested friend make all the moves initially. Don’t be stand-offish in any way, but help them be certain this is what they want. If you’re the interested friend in this situation there are also responsibilities you need to know. 

It’s possible, depending on your polyamorous interest’s agreement with their current partners, that you could have a personal relationship with them. It’s more likely you’d be getting involved, in some way, with everyone in either the polygamous or polyamorous family. Do not get any ideas in your head that you can take them away from their current lovers. If you want to date a polyamorous person you have to fully embrace and respect their current lovers and situation. If you are not able to handle sharing there is no shame in remaining only friends. The shame comes from meddling in an established relationship with a malicious intent. You are not saving anyone from their choices or showing them what real love is by interfering with their current life and love. If you’re fortunate enough to become polyamorous you’ll appreciate future prospects showing you this same respect. 

The world of polygamy dating and polyamorous life can be very complicated at times. Different people will prefer different sets of rules and finding a middle ground with all of your partners or sister wives will require open and honest communication all the time. Maintaining friendships outside of your love life is an important part of it as well. We all need friends we can feel no pressure around. Cherish your friendships and be very careful if they begin to evolve into something more. It’s true you will often find your best lovers through building a friendship first, but also true that sex can create unwanted awkwardness if an intimate relationship doesn’t work out. Finding and respecting boundaries is good practice for everyone. Handling shifting boundaries like an adult is vital to maintaining a healthy and happy love life along with a great circle of friends. Love is a beautiful thing in all its forms. Protect and cherish it all. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc: Sisterwives.com