Chris's article

So, you’ve done it. You and your partner found ‘the one’ that is going to start your journey into a fully polyamorous life. You’ve searched high and low, and probably for years, so you want to get everything just right. You’ve dated potential poly partners before, but this time it’s different. As feelings develop and intimacy becomes deeper you have to be prepared for the inevitable discomfort that comes with allowing another person’s energy to intertwine with something you’ve grown comfortable with over time. It can feel invasive, impossible, or even immoral for some. Second guessing ourselves is a talent most humans have perfected. Not only do you have to be there more for each other to get over the poly virgin hump, you also have to be there more for yourself. Don’t leave questions or concerns unexplored. Here are more things to expect and consider.

In love, nobody is a newbie. There will be a strong tendency to treat a new partner joining your relationship like they’re the new kid on the block. As though there are certain ways things are going to be and it’s your duty to teach them. Remember, you’re not adopting a pet for you and your partner to enjoy, you’re welcoming a whole new dimension and energy into your relationship. Your existing relationship has to become a whole new thing that includes the persuasions of everyone involved. There are plenty of things that might not change much at all, but putting up resistance to change will only block the natural evolution love needs to grow. Your relationship pronouns are ‘we, us, ours’. Too much ‘me and mine’ will drive a wedge between you and your partners. Focusing on what’s best for your poly family will ultimately lead to the best things for you. 

Love is sacrifice. A difficult part of welcoming a new person into your relationship is learning how to let go. This is not the type of letting go you’d experience by getting over a break up. This letting go is an incomplete version of the same thing. You’re not saying goodbye to your lover or learning to love them any less. However, in order to make room for someone new you both have to let each other go, just a little. This goes back to the ‘me and mine’ attitude that can cause harm. Focusing on ‘my’ boyfriend, girlfriend, wife, or husband makes it impossible for your new love to truly become a significant life partner. It’s the same if you’ve found a new sister wife. If any existing wives treat the new sister wife like an outsider she may never be able to make her way in. A good polygamous family will make sure everyone feels welcome, and you cannot be polyamorous if you’re incapable of viewing each lover as an equal.

Figure out the rules and standards your polygamous or polyamorous family needs to follow early with each new addition. Keep in mind, this is not about imposing existing standards on your new lover, rather it’s about a discussion to find some middle ground that works for everyone. Many people will find they have very similar ideas in this matter once an open conversation can get going. Never give too much in areas you simply cannot bend, but strive to not be stubborn either. This is about forming a relationship that makes everyone happy, not a situation that will cause stress and anxiety. People that love each other shouldn’t seek ways to limit their partners so be aware of where your ideas are stemming from. That place should always be love, respect, and support. 

Expect tension and embrace it. It’s more alarming if the addition of a new lover to your family doesn’t bring tension. The best things in life don’t happen easily, polyamorous relationships are no exception. Centuries of social conditioning are going to result in feelings of jealousy and questions about morality. Feelings that seem to be happening naturally are often a result of arbitrary expectations society is all too happy to impose on everyone. Developing the ability to boldly follow your own path in life and relationships can take years. Many people simply give up and pretend they’re happy living a mediocre life that keeps everyone around them comfortable. It takes grit and determination to be different but if you can do it you won’t regret it. Letting in your first poly lover will require a ton of understanding, forgiveness, and knowing how to choose your battles. It’s not going to be easy, but that’s okay. It’s worth the struggle. When you come out on the other side you’ll be a bigger and better family. 

Use sex to connect. There is no better way to build a deep connection. Take advantage of the New Relationship Energy while it lasts and do it as often as you can handle it. Allow your partners’ to make love to each other all they want, if your agreed upon rules allow it, and make sure you get involved often as well. Make sure you’re keeping up with each of them as much as you can. The sex will become less frequent (most likely) over time but the deep connections you’re building will develop into other ways to connect. Sex also has an incredible ability to ease stress and tension while your new poly relationship is finding its’ footing. Stay focused on your relationship goals and make so much love to each other that it becomes impossible to fail. 

Finding a new sister wife or polyamorous lover is an exciting moment for anyone. It’s a moment when a few wrong moves can cause a lot of damage. Finding the balance between respecting and protecting your existing relationship while allowing the space for someone new is going to seem impossible at times. You will be tested and pushed in directions that take you to your limits. Keeping your head while going out of your way to be loving and supportive to your partners is the only way through the storm. Pride has to be swallowed at times and trust has to be given freely, but the results will bring so much joy you won’t even remember most of the struggle. Keep your eye on the prize and never forget that it’s all about love.

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc: Sisterwives.com

Depression is a serious condition for anyone. It can lead to horrible outcomes without anyone on the outside having any clue it exists, or where it stems from. Your closest loved ones are the first line of defense against the havoc depression can wreak on your life. Polyamorous families, or groups, have the added benefit of multiple partners to spot depression and help loved ones through it. They also, however, have the potential to make a person feel even more alone and helpless if everyone isn’t being vigilant about the mental health of everyone they’re involved with. Unfortunately, there is little room for error when it comes to mental health. Dealing with depression is not an issue that can wait on a back burner. 

Spotting depression is not always easy. A person that needs a little time to themselves isn’t necessarily struggling with depression, but if a pattern of isolation is developing it’s time to have a talk. The same goes for a consistent lack of interest, constant sleeping, atypical messiness, continuing behavioral anomalies, strange eating habits, anxious or aggressive mood swings, or alarming weight fluctuations. Any time one of your partners are exhibiting any of these behaviors you need to have a talk. It could be as simple as them simply struggling to lose some weight and the lack of food to accomplish this is just making them ‘hangry,’ or they might be facing something more serious and open up and ask for help. Even when they don’t initially open up about depression it’s important not to ignore the issue. Finding the balance between pushing someone too much, which is bad, and encouraging them is an art form worth developing. Be very careful not to push someone that is already fragile. 

The best way to help is to listen to a person struggling with depression, but first you have to get them to talk. Their willingness to start talking has to come to them naturally so keep in mind that making yourself explicitly available to them is key. Make it clear you are there for them whenever they need you then be ready to drop everything for them. Remember, this is someone you love and if the relationship is healthy they would do the same for you. Don’t keep score on who needs the most help at any point (within reason) in your relationships. This is where your process of finding a sister wife or poly partner is vital to ensuring a happy future full of love and support. If a new potential sister wife seems like a person that won’t sacrifice herself for the family’s well-being it’s best to keep looking. If a potential addition to your poly family exhibits selfish behavior and indifference, keep looking for other polyamorous people that will be a benefit, not a detriment, to your life and love. Once you’ve found a new sister wife or poly partner to join your group or family they too need to know they are privy to the same benefits you enjoy. They should lend support whenever needed, same as you do for them.

It is worth mentioning that often when you’re going on polyamorous dates, or dates to seek new sister wives, what you see is not always what you get. New relationship energy can blind people from the truth about someone they’re getting to know. Everyone is also on their best behavior while trying to secure additions to, or join, a polygamous family or poly group. Taking ample time to really know a person is important before any commitments are made. Once you’ve allowed love to settle in and start making commitments it is much more difficult to end a relationship. Look for signs of depressive disorders when you meet new people. Someone with a sharp tongue and full of sarcasm can make a fun friend, but if it stems from a depression deep in them an intimate relationship could bring nothing but negativity into your life. Over-obsession with appearance, frequent complaining, severe indecision, no interests, no friends, heavy drug or alcohol use, etc. Some of these could be explained away but it’s worth noting them and finding the source of the behaviors. You never have more power over a relationship than in the beginning. The longer you let it go, the harder it will be to end. 

All of this being said, you can’t expect depression will never develop in yourself or someone you love. Ten happy years in a happy polygamous family or poly group does not mean someone among your loved ones can’t fall into a depression. You have to be there when they need you and sacrifice yourself to get them back to a happier place. While this is true, what are the limits? It’s very hard to tell someone you love, or even a friend, that you have to remove them from your life because they are toxic, but being in an intimate relationship does not give anyone involved the right to ruin anyone’s life. Perhaps the hardest decision some people have to make is to tell a lover they care for deeply to get out of their life. The limits of how much you can handle from another person are different for everyone, but if you are consistently being dragged into someone’s depression you cannot stick around. When you are being treated poorly by a lover you can’t spend the rest of your life making excuses for them. If you dread going home more often than not for extended periods of time, all the time, you have to make a change. Accepting the harsh truth when someone cannot be helped will spare you a ton of heartache in life. The decision should never be taken lightly, but it also shouldn’t be put off so long you forget how it feels to not live with depression, yours or your lovers. 

If a depression that can’t be helped happens to develop in you, it’s time to decide how much you can ask of your sister wives or lovers? How long can you keep dragging them down? At what point does your desire to hang on to your relationship cause a level of harm that will only drive you further into your darkness? It is insanity to maintain a life or behaviors that bring no good into your world. Don’t leave it up to your lovers to find the help you need. Do it because you love them. There is no shame in doing the right thing out of love for someone or something other than yourself, and in doing so, love for oneself is often rediscovered. It’s cliche and a bit annoying, but true, happiness is largely a choice. 

The amount of happiness possible in the world of poly and polygamous dating is breathtaking. Building your polygamous family or discovering your poly group is an exciting and fulfilling process that really never has to stop. Life will always get in the way. There could be developments like hormonal imbalances, tragic experiences, past trauma, medical conditions, financial disaster, or death. Any or all of these things can happen to anyone. Digging back out of feeling suddenly buried alive can take a long time and require massive support, but it can be done. It’s so important for polymorous people and lovers to be there for each other. Polygamous families as well. With each other we can survive whatever tragedies may come. Give a hug, lend an ear, share your experience, and share your love. We’re all in this together. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc: Sisterwives.com

Polyamorous people have an enormous edge over monogamous people in life. It might even be a little unfair because the freedom and opportunity poly people enjoy, if appropriately utilized, can make us unstoppable. Forging your own path in life and allowing yourself, and your loved ones, to explore the things that really make you tick can lead to boundless joy and success. Here are a few suggestions to help take advantage of everything your polyamorous life has to offer. 

Do not ever get bogged down in the judgments and expectations others will gladly lay on you. It’s unfortunate, but sadly true, that the world is full of people who find trepidation in the joy of others. We’ve all had a bad day and have been guilty of rolling our eyes at someone being a little too happy for our current mood. Many people, however, are that way all of the time. The amount of love you live with and exude every day as a poly person will make them want to scratch your eyes out. Learning to handle their judgments against you with grace will keep everyone in the room enjoying their time around you. Others aren’t so miserable in their daily life, but have a severe addiction to control. Your freedom will conjure up thoughts of immorality in their minds because that’s the easiest way to put you back in the little box they need you in. Most of them will just think as they wish about you and keep it to themselves, but not all of them. When encountering someone trying to publicly stick you back in one of their ‘boxes’ you should rip the box to shreds. Your life and your love is none of their g.d. business and you have to make sure they know it. Politeness is good most of the time but don’t be a pushover. 

Choose love wisely, every time. The ability to enjoy multiple partners does not mean any of them should be taken lightly. A polygamous man looking for sister wives knows that each new sister wife needs to be an asset to his family. A woman looking to become a sister wife needs to enjoy her entire prospective family, at least for the most part. The same goes for polyamorous people joining an existing group. Multiple people loving each other and building loving groups or families can turn bad quickly if anyone involved isn’t taking it seriously. Polyamorous people have to be confident, honest, and forthcoming if they want successful relationships. Timidity is a big red flag. It signals discomfort and possibly some terrible secrets. On the other end of the spectrum are blowhards. This is an even bigger red flag. A person living honestly and according to their genuine character has no need to be boastful. Boasting is usually a cover-up for things a person lacks. Pity these people, don’t date them and think you can fix them. You cannot. 

Take advantage of the power of numbers! Polyamorous people aren’t bound to the ridiculous notion that a married man or woman can’t hang out alone with someone of the opposite sex. They can also maintain a social life in ways a traditional married couple often has to forfeit in order to be the little nuclear family they’re told to be. A healthy social life means more contacts and more opportunities will come your way throughout your entire life. There is no shame in networking. Humans are social creatures and removing opportunities for connections in your life will only lead to depression, lack of motivation, or worse. As you build your poly family over the years there comes another advantage with the numbers. A lot of people prefer to live alone, or with just one partner, but I’m a big proponent of stacking multiple incomes to enhance your buying power. Five working adults can buy an amazing property together even if none of them make six figures individually. The same goes for vacations, cars, etc. Stacking incomes and sharing responsibilities among multiple people can make life so much nicer. It puts a whole new twist on ‘The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker.’ Now that would be a fun tub to share! 

Encourage others to explore polyamory. This refers back to power in numbers a bit, but it’s very important to promote the poly lifestyle. Not only will it help increase numbers and visibility which can lead to social normalization, it also introduces others to happy lives they may have otherwise never thought possible. I’m not saying go door to door to spread ‘the good word’ like many religious groups do, but being out as poly and encouraging the lifestyle for others will go a long way. Religious groups have often accused gay people of ‘recruiting’ more gay people. That’s a ludicrous accusation, of course, but in reality it’s not a bad idea. Why not ‘recruit’ people to live a life that will make them happier and more complete if it suits them? Now we can touch back on the point about addiction to control. There are plenty of naysayers that can’t handle people enjoying happiness and freedom, don’t let them stop you. 

The truth is, if you’re already enjoying a polygamous family or polyamorous group you very likely have already been maximizing your life. It comes with the territory. Poly people decide to become sister wives or join a poly group because it’s already in their character to make the most of life. It’s not hard to live a wonderful life when it’s full of so much love. Using all of that love and confidence along with making good choices for you and all of your family or partners will produce a life many can only dream of. Enjoy it. 

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc: Sisterwives.com

Before I begin, I should point out that the barriers this article explores are not inherent in polyamory itself. These barriers are placed on polyamorous and polygamous people by forces outside of their relationships. We live in a world full of people that are ever-ready to limit or tear others down. Wielding power over others is like a drug for too many people. They prey on differences they know will strike fear in the general population and exploit this to maintain a superior position, or at least the feeling of it. Once you’ve fallen victim to one of these people it can be seemingly impossible to recover your reputation and relationships in a community. It’s never been more important for people with unique lives to hold each other up. Polygamists, polyamorous people, anyone that is LGBTQ, immigrants, and people of color all need to set our differences aside and help each other fight hateful forces. The only way to create positive change in the world is to remove the power of negativity and hate. Knowing how to identify negativity and hate, and where it comes from, is the first step in a better direction.

Polygamous families have faced discrimination for decades now. What was once a fairly normal practice somehow became taboo over the last few centuries. It used to be kings or wealthy men that looked for the historical equivalent of sister wives. Over the years marriage became the social norm for rich and poor alike, but somehow along with this evolution polygamy became an unpopular choice. Recent developments have reintroduced polygamy as a viable option and the morality vultures have been circling ever since. Rather than supporting a woman that wants to become a sister wife, much of society acts quickly to attack her character and accuse her of being weak, or even dumb. Men that want sister wives are often called monsters and abusers. Society just can’t handle the idea of a relationship or marriage unlike their own. It would be one thing to disagree with polygamy and leave polygamists alone, but that’s too often not the case. Polymagous families need to be prepared, both legally and emotionally, to address criticism quickly and efficiently. Learning to be unaffected by hate from others will keep your reaction logical and effective. 

Polyamorous people might have an easier time than polygamists in the public eye, but don’t get too comfortable. Polygamy and polyamory are essentially the same idea. Both involve multiple people being involved intimately with each other. Even though more people might have a negative association with the word ‘polygamy,’ don’t think for a second that plenty of people don’t deeply disapprove of polyamory. There are plenty of conservative old housewives alone out there that would believe they’re accomplishing an important mission by outing polyamorists and informing them of what she perceives as ‘the right way to live’ in a very public way. Don’t forget that we live in an age with people following something called ‘The Gospel of Wealth.’ People really believe God rewards them for being strict Christians. Enforcing their values onto your poly group or family would only serve as a reason for more rewards from God in their eyes. Shaming you into their way of life is not beneath them. These self-described ‘Christians’ are in it for the benefits, and power, not for any altruistic purpose. Don’t get caught in their web. 

There are plenty of good people in the world, both Christian and non-Christian, religious and non-religious. Find the good people and pursue social relationships with them. Building a network with the good people of the world is the only way to push back against the barriers we don’t deserve to face in life. People that choose to follow their own paths need each other. This is why cities like New York and LA have successful people from all walks of life. They provide alternate communities for all kinds of people due to their large and concentrated populations. This doesn’t mean smaller areas can’t provide the same opportunity for everyone. With a little effort even a small town can embrace diversity and provide a safe space for all. Whatever your faith is, don’t let anyone claim to own the patent on Christianity (or any other religion). A person using their faith to harm others is proof their faith is false. You can safely reject the walls they try to build around you. Damage can still be done but confidence and certainty of your moral high ground will help you recover. 

The only real barriers in life are the ones we accept. Not to say other people can’t make life difficult, but most of the limits you feel come from your acceptance of the barriers others place on you. If you are a man that knows finding sister wives and building a polygamous family is right for you, do it. If you’re a woman that knows being a sister wife will make you truly happy, don’t let anyone tell you it’s not an acceptable option. If polyamory is your path to healthy relationships and a life of joy, why on earth would you let a miserable person discourage you from your dreams. A friend with valid concerns is a good thing. A person that’s jealous of your joy is dangerous. Learn to spot the difference and never surrender to the standards others are only interested in using against you. Your life, your loves’, your way.      

Published By: Christopher Alesich

Matchmakers, Inc: Sisterwives.com