Chris's article

What is a primary partner in polyamory? This is the partner with whom you share significant life commitments in a polyamorous relationship. What’s important is that you have a primary partner only in hierarchy polyamory—you could be in a multiple-person relationship without distinguishing between primary, secondary and tertiary partners. In this article, we will look at this in more detail. We invite you to read on.

What Is a Primary Partner in Polyamory?

The term primary partner is used in hierarchical types of polyamorous relationships - those that include an established structure of relationships between partners depending on how strong their bond is. The primary partner is the most important partner, one with the strongest bond and commitment.

What is important is that there might be different types of commitments between primary partners, and there are no established rules regarding what the relationship between them should look like. Below, you’ll find a list of potential commitments, though remember that not all of them need to be met, as it depends on the relationship dynamics.

• Living together (although you can live with a nesting partner without them being your primary!).

• Sharing finances.

• Spending most time together.

• Prioritizing this partner over the others.

• Having kids together.

• Being married.

Does Every Polyamorous Relationship Involve Primary Partners?

Technically, primary partners are reserved for hierarchical poly relationships, ones where there is a clear line drawn between the importance of each partner. However, it’s possible to have a primary partner even in non-hierarchical relationships, though many people are often unaware of having one.

If you prioritize one of your partners in your network, they are likely to be your primary - even if you do this subconsciously. Therefore, although the term is reserved for hierarchical relationships, it can go beyond them.

Primary Partner in Polyamory = Stronger Bond and Relationship

You need to remember that a primary partner in polyamory is someone with whom your bond is stronger than with the others, not someone with whom you share more commitments. Naturally, those commitments mentioned in the first section of this article often match a stronger relationship, but it does not have to be in all cases.

For instance, you can have nesting partners, those with whom you live. They don’t necessarily need to be your primaries, you might live with them out of pure convenience. At the same time, the fact that you have kids with a particular partner does not automatically make them your primary - you can have and raise kids in a polyamorous relationship with multiple partners without growing a stronger bond.

This goes the other way around. You don’t need to live and share finances with your partner for them to be your primary - what matters is your emotional connection. Therefore, while in theory, the concept seems pretty simple, in practice, defining whether a partner in a polyamorous relationship is your primary or not requires a deep insight into yourself, your emotions, and your bond.

The Takeaway

As you can see, the idea of a primary partner is quite complex and often difficult to grasp - unless you live in a clearly defined, hierarchical poly relationship. But, do you even need a primary or secondary partner? It all depends on you - some prefer to have one most important partner, while others might find this concept restricting, so you should choose whatever floats your boat!

Looking for new partners? See our polyamory dating app!

Published By: Sister Wives 

Matchmakers Inc

Managing jealousy and insecurity is one of the most difficult challenges in polyamorous relationships. After all, we’re still human, and these feelings are natural for us. At the same time, the nature of polyamory means that you will possibly “share” your partner with other people. So, how do you cope with these feelings and overcome insecurity? Find it out in this article!

Understand the Feeling of Insecurity in Polyamory

First thing first. To effectively cope with insecurity, you need to understand what causes it in polyamory. Several reasons can cause jealousy in polyamorous relationships, including:

• Unmet needs - Insecurity may be caused when you feel that your partner does not meet your needs. This might be especially problematic if your partner meets the same needs for others in his poly network.

• Sense of inadequacy - Another possible source of insecurity in polyamory is your partner triggering your sense of inadequacy. Mind that it does not mean that they make you feel inadequate, but rather intensify this feeling that you already have. This might be caused by, for instance, comparing yourself to their other partners.

• Fear of abandonment and anxiety - Here, the case is simple—it’s not what your partner does with other people that causes the feeling of insecurity; it’s the pure fact that they could possibly leave you for them.

• Distrust - Whether valid or not, distrust may also lead to insecurity.

To cope with insecurities in your poly relationship, you need to find out what causes them. Only then can you apply adequate measures.

How to Deal with Insecurities in a Poly Relationship?

So, how can you battle your insecurities and embrace compersion in polyamory? We have prepared a few tips that will help you with this. Take a look below.

Talk with Your Partner(s)

The best way to deal with insecurities in a polyamorous relationship is to talk them through with your partner(s) and find a solution together. This is especially true if you have unmet needs and struggle with distrust.

Your conversations should be open; you shouldn’t be afraid to talk about your needs. When it comes to trust, the more you observe your partner react to your concerns and expectations, the more trust you should build. However, remember not to seek reassurance - this won’t help you get rid of the feeling of insecurity. Instead, tackle this feeling at its roots and find ways to eliminate the causes of insecurity and jealousy together!

Self-Help

Sometimes, the reason behind your insecurities is rooted deeply within you (e.g., a sense of inadequacy). In such situations, you need to cope with them yourself.

Self-help resources are a great aid in this process. Books about jealousy and online polyamory resources, like podcasts, videos, or articles, will all prove extremely helpful in dealing with your insecurities. In them, you will find ways to deal with your emotions when they occur, as well as learn about the most common challenges in poly relationships and the best solutions to them.

Engage with the Poly Community

You might also seek help from other poly people in the community. For instance, our “blogs” section offers you a forum where you can ask your questions anonymously and seek answers from others…or read their posts and learn something on your way. You can also make new poly friends using our polyamory app - who knows; perhaps they will turn into your additional partners?

Therapy

Finally, if nothing works, it might be beneficial to speak about your polyamory insecurities with a trained professional. Therapy is nothing to be ashamed of, and it can help you when other measures fail.

The Takeaway

Follow our tips, and you’ll manage your insecurities much more effectively. Remember, your feelings won’t disappear overnight—it will take some time to cope with them, but in the end, you will be in a much happier relationship(s).

You may also read: What Can Polyamory Teach Us About Attachment Styles?

Published By: Sister Wives 

Matchmakers Inc