How to stop a divorce in it's tracks from Gideon70's blog

When you get married, the words you say mean far more than you realize.  Saying, "I do." actually, in many cases, means a ton.  It means the woman has a false idea of what submission means, and the man has a false idea of what leadership means.  The effect is chaos, and a constant battle - the man is fighting for her to help him, and the woman is fighting for her very survival as a person.  It's the same as hearing, "Let's get ready to RUMMMMMBBBBBLLLEEEE!"

But why and what can be done about it?

Addressing the why.  The man.  He's the initial problem.  Oh, not intentionally, he's doing what he was taught.  Sadly, what he was taught results in a divorce rate for first time marriages approaching 80% in some cases.  He was also taught that women are both fragile and uncontrollable.  That the marriage would fix itself if she only did what he said, or, if he goes to therapy, it will get better when he understands that they are only together as a team and if he just let's her do anything she wants, it will be better.  Most marriages fail after this advice.  Most fail without the advice.  The reason?  He never learned what it even means to marry, beyond what is under her clothes and the responsibility he has now, even if no one can really explain that to him in anything other than vague terms.

The woman is taught to submit.  This version of submit is one where she is little more than a slave.  Oh, she doesn't see it that way, but it's how it works out.  He has a job, she has to beg for everything.  She also has a job but every time she spends a dollar he gets upset.  She goes out with her friends, and he sits and stews... the result?  It will only get better if she takes charge, or leaves.  If she takes charge, then she finds herself despising him.  The result?  She will leave to protect herself because noone likes chaos.  It may take a while, and might even take years, but one day she will get sick of the fighting, or he will get sick of the fighting and one will turn to alcohol, or partying, or other men or women, and eventually the marriage ends and the woman you loved, or the man you adored, are now the enemy and your life is filled with bitter regret you gloss over with "He was a real bastard that lied to me... she was a real piece of work that lied to me from..."

So what went wrong?

Education.  Knowledge.  Experience.  Definitions.

Education.  Kids are not taught their roles, and religion makes matters even worse because the words they use have so many meanings that are so fluid that it's nearly impossible to turn them into action.  Parents can't teach the kids because the parents are divorced.

Knowledge of how a family is run is scarce, and poorly taught.  Sadly, many get their ideas of a perfect marriage from Disney or Lifetime television.  A glossy farce that is all but a two hour lie designed t make you feel happy inside, no matter how painful life is.

There's very little experience left because with a 60% divorce rate, every other marriage fails, and the kids are raised in single parent homes where the caregivers are angry , bitter, and hate marriage even as they tell the kids, "You can do this, even if I failed."  How?  How can they do this when the person teaching them how, has not done it?

Definitions.  They are changing so fast that the word you used last week no longer means that it does today.  Faggot was once a punk stick like you use to light a firecracker, and being Gay once meant you were happy.  Submit is one of the most misunderstood words in marriage today.  Husband is also misunderstood.  Wife has a brand spanking new meaning.  Household means something different.  It's no wonder marriages fail.

So what can you do?  It's easy.  Reeducate, then negotiate.

Start with Submission.  Submit was a military term that meant a person submitting himself, his resources, and his talents to a commander.  It meant he freely submitted to taking orders, and running his own troops according to the words of the general.  A Captain submitted to a General.  The level of submission depended largely on the strength, education, and money of the individual, and the goals of the general. A general had little use for a private who could not command troops, had no equipment, and was not able to assume command of an aspect of his army.  A general also was expected to lead his commanders, manage the equipment, and run the fight.  This is a truth of polygyny, a man who has more than one wife MUST be able to fight them.  He has to be willing to make plans, talk those pans out, then make a decision.  Read about how D-Day was planned out for an example and why the commander decided to wait and when he chose to act.  This brings us to Husbands.

Husbands are supposed to be in charge of the estate and overall family.  Biblically he had veto power if she made a bad decision, which tells us that she made decisions.  The idea of the perfect wife is one with her own fields, workers, and products.  She was a leader.  A good leader.  Pretty damning for the slave concept of submission.  Women were NEVER supposed to be the little woman sitting at home around a table gossiping and planning the dinner.  They were supposed to be active, running things, and fighting with the tools at hand.

Which would you rather be as a wife?   The woman who sits in front of the television and waits for your master to come home from his day, or the woman how has a business, gets out there in her hobbies, and makes a difference?  TO be whatever HE wants you to be, or someone who takes orders, and then fights with that goal in mind and becomes the best of herself.  Do you see why monogamy teachings are so damned destructive?

Here's how to save your marriage if it's in chaos.

Piece of paper. Sit down with your wife.  Talk it out.  First, you need authorities.  Ladies, he cannot be the head of the family if you don't allow it.  If you undermine him, don't trust him, or let him make mistakes and learn from them, then he is going to fail.  That's on you.  A general cannot fight a war if his commanders fight him.  A house divided cannot stand.  Someone has to have the veto power, and that person is the Head of the Family.  It's a granted position, as the word submission is a VOLUNTARY word, not a command.  "Wives, submit to..." not, "Husbands, force your wife to..."  If you chose not to submit to him, then you have nothing.  He may lead, you may benefit, but he will not be your leader, and as soon as adversity comes along, you'll fall apart.  It will happen,

Husbands, if you do not have an agreement with your wife, then you have nothing but a bunch of vague promises that mean nothing when push comes to shove.  She will leave you just as soon as the reasons to leave exceed the reasons to stay.  She is not your wife, she is a person you are dating even if the government says otherwise with a piece of paper.  If you want a strong family, you are going to have to negotiate with your wife, with the goal of becoming the leader of the family and getting her to support you in that role.  This means that she willingly appoints you as her leader.  Now, your job is to LEAD her.  To establish the framework of the household, and then to set the basic rules and guides.   Think of it as a military SOP, look it up.  It's important.  Then when you have your structure in place, turn it over to her.  Let her learn to be the leader you are going to need!  The stronger you make her through structure, planning and training, then stronger your family will be and the stronger your household will be.  She is the leader you want running your household.

When you have this arranged and on paper, you are on the road to healing your marriage, because it is a marriage of two things into one, now.  Where before it was just a war, in your own house.

At this point, when you get to understand that you cannot do the other person's jobs, which is the next hurdle, you will be ready for plural marriage.  You can add a commander, and divide your personal army up into smaller more effective commands.  When you get strong enough, you will add employees who will answer to your wives.  She will seek advice on strategy and planning from you.  You will be stronger and stronger.

Next:  The other person's jobs.